I'm just not the mom I thought I would be...
My guess is that we were all better parents before we had children or if you do not have children, you think you would do it better. Before children, I didn't want my kids to get Chanukah presents for every night; I thought I would work full-time and come home with adoring kids; dinner made and homework completed. Ha!
I didn't know that my husband would work so much when I was pregnant with my first (Max, 11, on the right) because he was in his intern year that I would worry he wouldn't be around when the baby was born. I didn't know I wouldn't be able to breastfeed like I planned. I didn't know I would be so lonely with just a baby to keep me company for hours on end. You know what else I didn't know? I didn't know how marvelous it would feel when my sarcastic kid laughs at my jokes, tells his own, "gets" his math, uses his own money to purchase mother's day presents, writes me sweet notes when I need them or tells me when I look like I need a hug--then gives me one.
My husband was there when Max was born and the days prior (albeit still working kind of) and even got a surprise week of paternity leave. By the way, fed is best and I should really get over not being able to breastfeed. Guilt. I made friends, went out, found ways by myself to be less lonely and eventually he started reacting and becoming a baby instead of an infant.
I thought I would build legos, draw pictures, cook, and all the other cutesy stuff on Pinterest. Ha. I do build legos, then the 7 year old takes it away because he needs that piece, we draw then someone gets frustrated or uses sharpie on the table, cooking is a hot mess (but fun and experimental with FAILING) and I really do not do Pinterest, so don't send me there. I find pockets of time 1:1 with each kid to be the most rewarding right now. I still trip over my pre-conceived notions of what I SHOULD be as a mother or as I imagined, but I'm working on just putting one foot in front another and doing the best I can. You should too.
